When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
