Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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