just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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