I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
