i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
