All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
How external is "for external use only"?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
