one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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