Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
