I am puke
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
