I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
there's paper in my vomit.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
