I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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