she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
