All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
