She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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