I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
