$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
