Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
