Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
