Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
time to smoke my breakfast
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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