I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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