Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
