I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
