my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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