I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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