There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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