he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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