I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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