Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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