I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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