He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
two words: eviction party
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
