living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
