if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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