I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
FUCK WHALES
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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