I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
