Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She announced her abortion via fbk
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
