WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
