dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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