before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
