he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
