I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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