rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
