Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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