We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
