You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
