People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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