There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
be right there i have to get my cape
Randomize
