So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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