Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
