Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
