Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
