I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
