If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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